Well! Existence and existential questions!

I am a woman, and if we exclude the monks and the people who lock themselves in, somewhere, I go out, just like every other human. I go out for fun for work or just for a walk, and I’ve been thinking lately, would I ever get out of my house just for once in this country without turning into a sex object. I mean really, when they see a woman on the street, is it another human walking or just boobs and ass?
And you don’t even have to be hot or pretty or fit or have the stereotypical model’s looks, you don’t have to be wearing a skirt or a sexy top, you just have to be casual, going out to get some grocery and suddenly woops you see your head suddenly turning into a big sign with “I am a sex object” written on it.
I want to go into a cab and feel safe, not being paranoid about every word that cab driver says, worried that eventually it will end up into a blunt flirtation, and then you’d have to be mean and get out of that cab before you reach where you’re going.
I want to simply walk in the street, people take walks, right! Or stand on the road obviously waiting for a cab and not having 10 cars a second stopping with what they think is sexy look on there face to tell you “ pop in” and As If.
I don’t know who gave that impression that everywoman who doesn’t have a car or a ride and would like to go somewhere, automatically turns into a sex worker or just someone who pops into cars they don’t know.
The most recent very ironic car that stopped was a man with a little baby in his lap, assuming it’s his son; stopped and asked me if I want a ride to Beirut. And it wasn’t innocent. Innocent  my ass. Trust me, I’d really love to believe in a utopia where people ask to give you a ride just because they are nice, but it’s not the case. The case is, every time I step outside my house, I am a sex object.
And if you want to express yourself, what do you do? Give them a finger. Why not, it’s not ladylike? Ladylike, look at that word, ladies don’t give fingers to people, ladies are polite to the ones who are not, ladies don’t laugh out loud in public they just smile, ladies get raped and get silent about it, ladies are virgins who get married at the age of 18 and practice only the traditional sex position that will do the job for creating a baby, and then ladies sit at home clean and raise their kids.
Therefore a lady is a sexually frustrated person who is obviously banned from laughing and snoring out of laughter, who obviously gets abused everyday and is always silent about it because it’s ladylike.

Who wants to be a lady anyway.

I was reading the other day this article, it’s mainly statistics conducted on young people which showed a higher percentage of teenage pregnancies among the gay population. Shocking, no? I mean why would gays and lesbians want to have sex with the opposite sex, which is the only way to get an unwanted pregnancy? It must be that homosexuals are not really homosexuals as they claim, it must be that they became homosexuals because they had a bad experience with the opposite sex (e.g. an unwanted pregnancy). Those who never had a pregnancy case must’ve had another sort of bad experience.
Well, I doubt it. No not because I never had bad experiences with men. I mean I had bad experiences with men but then again almost every woman I know has had at least one horribly bad experience with men; that was not enough to turn almost every woman I know into a Lesbian, hell even I am not a Lesbian.
But read the article carefully, the scientist himself/herself gives you a hint to where to look for the answer. Homosexuals seek heterosexual sex to cover up for the fact that they are homosexuals. Other explanations could be given, but the need to hide your homosexuality is enough to get you in trouble.
Which takes us to the real problem behind this unhealthy phenomenon, homophobia. You see as Meems we never recommend a coming out to anyone. It is dangerous to do so. Even if you are accidently outed and therefore predict problems, deny it! Say it is not true and do whatever it takes to convince others that you are not gay! Hypocrite you may think but this is often less dangerous than facing homophobic parents.
Keep in mind people, heal homophobia not homosexuality. Homosexuality is healthy biodiversity, homophobia is a dangerous form of xenophobia. Just as being black is not an illness, racism is. The Jews were not the problem, Hitler was.
What usually happens with sexual minorities like ours is that we are not born into our minorities, black people are born from black families, now they may be the only black family but at least they have their parents that are like them. And the same is for Jews for example. But you can be a homosexual born from heterosexual parents. In that case you will feel very alienated, you feel that you are alone, and that you are probably wrong, something must be wrong with you. And invisibility weighs heavily on you, you realize that others will not understand. If others know, they will react negatively, they might look at you differently, but they might also mock you or physically attack you. If you work, you may lose your job. So you better not be outed!
This is particularly the case when you are still in school, for many reasons:

School environments are the most obvious examples of peer pressure and conformism pressure. School regulations, or the fact that the kid’s life is centered on his school, the spirit of competition, the idea that anything else than your school is negligible once compared to your school performance… all these factors contribute to making your school experience a really difficult one if you don’t conform to the majority.

You cannot control your school environment, you may be totally convinced that your homosexuality does not influence your normalcy (which is rare but still) you are forced to be in an environment strongly influenced by parental authority (LBGTs trying to raise awareness in schools are first and foremost scared of parental disapproval and fury, even when the legislation is favorable).
As a result, please don’t be gay in school, unless you live in some areas of Belgium where they like homosexuals. There is like this unspoken law that says that you cannot be gay in school, very few people escape its tyranny.

This is why this study is so relevant to our work in Meem. You see, we painfully lack studies on queer issues in the Middle East. Turning to other regions for material can help, but it has its limitations, if they survey homosexual adults then the situation they live in is different than the situation of adults that live here in Lebanon. Unfortunately, school environments are still a bit closer to our situation right now in the Middle East. Plus, this study emphasized the results of homophobia, instead of trying to explain homosexuality. I honestly don’t care what made me queer, what I care about is how I am treated because of my homosexuality. And this study, just like many others, proves, that homophobia kills, thus the urgency of dealing with it. The world didn’t start admitting the existence of Gay Men in the States until the HIV epidemic, and this is only one of the problems that the homophobia imposes on us.

The homophobic society we live in uses the results of its homophobia to prove that we are sick leeches that need to be dealt with at all cost. And that is one of the reasons why we work to break the Lesbian stigma. We don’t smoke because we sleep with women, we don’t do drugs, we don’t cut our veins, we don’t abuse our lovers because we sleep with women and we don’t do any of it because we have a problem with our gender identity. No. We suffer all these problems because of homophobia. Because we are not accepted, not even from those that we need to accept us, we suffer all this because our own parents would much rather see us dead than see us for who we really are, because our life-long friends would stop wanting our friendship because they fear us as predators.

To change all that, in ourselves and in others, we wish to change things. We want you to see our true colors, and love us because or in spite of them. Is that too much to ask for?

Since we missed the collaborative writing session in the House the other day I felt like I should be compensating about that. So let’s talk about Movements, since the next issue of Bekhsoos will be: Bekhsoos l Movement. Hm, I guess I should not speak of what a movement is or what it is not, I’m sure others will talk to you about it, and they know what they are talking about, unlike me.

What I will talk about is movement in my own experience and according to what I have seen in Lebanon. So what I am about to say is blatantly personal and perhaps a bit subjective.




So let’s see, what makes a wo/man want to be part of a movement? Most of us never get into a movement, the movement is just the exteriorization of what we have inside us. You do not register to become part. But you would realize (often very early on) that there are things that are either horrible or that just can be better. Then you start asking yourself why is this idea never discussed or dealt with. Until the day you find people like you that think like you or that are repulsed by the same things that bother you. That is not really a problem; you can find something in common with virtually everyone. No really you can. A movement is so vast and general that anyone can be part of it.

But then the hard part is to how to make a movement efficient, who to ally yourself with, and what other movements to include in the first, without jeopardizing it. We are all bundles of traumas walking on the streets and trying to make some sense out of this life and to take some pleasure out of this existence. There are so many details that the actual essence is lost. What makes Pazuzu Pazuzu and what are the details that just came to modulate and influence Pazuzu. Take out of my system every insult, every harassment, every trauma, every influencial idea I have received, take out every moment of guilt, of despair and humiliation, every tear and every outbreak of anger. Then take away every Mass I attended, every Christmas dinner, every laughter with friends and every shoulder I cried on… And when you are done removing all those moment of “influence” try looking for my essence, what will be left of Pazuzu once all of these details are removed? Nothing I fear.

It’s easy to say “I… I think… I believe… I know…” But who would understand it when I say that? Only the people who know what I know, believe in what I believe in, who think like I think, inno bi2ikhtisar, who are like me.

You know what is funny? We like to believe that we defend our cause because it is right, but in fact, we defend it because we want to improve things for ourselves. Whether the cause is righteous or not, is both subjective and impossible to measure. The idea to defend a cause that does not affect you directly is very romantic, attractive and everything. The Straight-Gay Alliance(s) strive on this concept. But it doesn’t work, let’s face it. In societies made of at least 80% of straight people, the Straight and Gay alliances have but a few straight individuals. Of course, the mere presence of these few make a huge difference. But why? Because, in my subjective meaningless opinion, it is because straight people would not relate to gay people. Three years ago, I was one of two straight supporters of Helem that I knew of. Now the other straight supporter of Helem, turned out to be gay or bisexual or queer, I never had the chance to talk to him. And me? Well I am clearly an everlasting queer; until time proves me wrong.

Ok, now bear with me and re-read what I have already written… As I read it I feel that it’s totally false though it is true. You see, if I was not a queer activist I would have been a “something else” activist. This is what I always knew, deep inside, but I thought I’d be working with people dealing with AIDS or suicide survivors. I remember that 2 years ago, a close friend of mine actually told me that I will move out of my place, move somewhere closer to Beirut and work in activism. His prognostics are slowly coming true. Is this common to others? Yes to some not all.

It’s like each person is an activist differently. Non? I wonder what makes you want to be an activist or not?

Pazuzu

Fellow women, how many of you haven’t faked it at least once in her life. Yes I am talking about Orgasm. And talking about that, do you know that in Egypt they still practice circumcision on Girls. And how sexist is that?! Seriously! I never imagined that, in our times, sexism would still reach a point where a girl cannot feel her clit anymore which can be, for some cases, the peak of pleasure… Or all of them: p hihi.




And it’s not only in Egypt, Africa, Arab world, Even in Lebanon they still do that in very hardcore traditional families living in the suburbs. And it’s a pity.

I think the only thing that would make that acceptable on a mean level, and make men equal to woman this time is to remove men’s Balls. But that’s not what we wish for. All we wish for is for people to leave our Clits alone, and our bodies in general, to claim them as our own properties and admit our rights of ownership of our own selves. Sounds so funny, I mean can you imagine? We don’t own our Own bodies. So lame…..

But you know, when we will achieve that “body ownership”? I believe, it’s when you make the world know that whenever 1 woman is touched therefore you are touching everywoman. And if you touch any woman’s clit or dysfunction it, it’s like hurting a bunch of crazy feminists that value there clit, and yes we do, and yes our clit deserves it.

And you don’t want to piss a bunch of crazy feminists. Or do you!

Nadz, please don’t censor that. Thank you.

Anyway you know me as usual I always randomly get out of my subject and circumcision today is not really my subject.

So anyway I’ve been addicted to this website for quite a long time: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ and there’s one secret that touched me a lot:





It’s about a woman who is not satisfied with her marital sexual life, and to protect her husband’s feelings she is not talking with him about it.

As I said in the beginning, how many of us had once at least faked an orgasm? Or how many of us still haven’t had an orgasm with a partner? I am not talking about lesbians; I am talking about women in general here.

This taboo and protection towards the other partner especially if it’s a man is depriving a lot of woman of their right of pleasure, and we can’t blame this woman because, in our oriental society, a girl should always pretend she’s a virgin and a guy should always pretend he’s a stud, and a girl should always pretend to orgasm so she can protect the “stud’s” self esteem because women are always the ones who should sacrifice a lot of their rights for society and all those fucked up taboos that they are raised upon and breastfed , and the world should listen and know that this is not fair, and God is famous for being fair, and humans are not, therefore this whole equation about women being beneath men and not equal to them is a fake equation. This equation is, I may add, the Father of all Evils and not the mother. It’s year 2008 god damn it, what are we waiting for 2069 to talk about our sexual desires and lives, to burn our push up bras and to protect our clits and right to orgasm once and twice and millions of times. Women need to know their rights, I cannot blame them when they are living in a box of traditions and brainwashing, that’s why whenever you meet another woman who is not orgasming or who doesn’t know she is entitled to her own body, sexual life and pleasure, please tell her that she is and that it’s ok if she’s married and had orgasmed in her life before she is 40. Tell her for us women, so she’d tell her daughters that would become another generation of women. It’s not wrong it’s not “3ayb”. The “3ayb” is when you are born with a pleasure tool and they cut it for you just so you don’t feel and the more “3ayb” is when you shut up and accept it. And if you don’t know your rights the biggest “3ayb” is when other woman know about it and not tell you or do something about it.

~Imm L Meem~

It is true, I am Shezze, I am queer. What is even truer is that I am deeply proud of my shouzouz. You see, shouzouzé means that I don’t belong to where I was born and that is something to be proud of, non? Let me explain to you.
According to the norms of where I was born, I am a woman. I have the breasts, the vagina and the soft skin, ya3ne I am a woman, walaw? Therefore I cannot walk alone on the street =I am an “unperfect woman” = men would have the right to harass me on the street.
Tough I resent this mentality I realize that this is the reality of where I was born, just as the pacifists during the civil war realized that war was the reality of where they were born and they were forced to hide away. Now of course this doesn’t mean that there were no way I could be independent, to protect myself all I need is a car… hm, but I don’t have one. So I avoid stay out of my house after 9:00pm.
So on Friday, I was going home at the limit of the permitted where I was born, at 9:30pm. Une fois 3al Dawra, I realize that I didn’t have my wallet with me. Oops! It must have fallen in my friends’ car, so I call her (yes another condition to survive where I was born is to have a cell phone to salvage you in difficult situations such as the one I was in). 3 minutes later I find out that I still have some money on me and can go home without having her coming to pick me up. It was 9:45pm, OooO… I smell danger.
But it’s going to be fine I think to myself. I just make sure I call my friend telling her not to come pick me up and head straight to where the buses… or were supposed to be. I had exceeded my time limit, the buses were gone and I was in serious trouble. But it’s fine, I can survive this.
The fact that I was walking alone, a bit uncertain going back and forth, unsure what to do for a couple of minutes, meant that most of men/predators had detected my smell and were observing me. I knew I was going to get harassed, I knew that a girl in my situation is for them a victim that they are legally allowed to torture. But it’s fine! Again, I have been in these situations before and I survived them and lived to talk about it.
Well, I passed by a couple of guys, one those men that scare you (or is it any man that scares you when you are in my situation?). Anyway, typically the first sign of your vulnerability in these situations is that the predators start discussing you in your face:

- Bint yamma sabe hayda?

And for our non Arabic readers :

- Is he a boy or a girl?

But it’s fine I guess, it wasn’t the first time that my sexual identity was questioned, though I didn’t look particularly boyish that day. The real treat was when the second guy opens his mouth. I guess he was encouraged by his friend’s attitude, thinking maybe I am a boy that likes to look like girls, to be honest, I am not sure what he was thinking but he said to me:

-Baddak nitsalla? Ta3a nitsalla

Again, respecting the non Arabic readers:

-Wanna have fun? Let’s have fun together

I wish to solicit your attention, dear non Arabic reader, the Arabic makes the difference between the male and the female you are talking to, so I know for sure that the dude assumed I was a he. Now I may not look like a woman but I certainly do not look like a man! So in fact I look like an androgynous thing. My superior intelligence forewarns me that this particular predator, like any other predator of his kind, is not particularly brilliant.
You don’t get where I’m getting at? Ok I’ll be clear: The predator assumed I was a teenage boy. A real boy, like old enough to be 156cm but not old enough to have a beard. But, dear reader, if you from where I was born, what would be more revolting for you? The fact that the predator finds a male appealing or that he finds a kid appealing? For me it is clear, it is his pedophilia that bothers me. His taste for underage individuals repulses me. But I find it sad that in my society expressions of both Homosexuality and pedophilia are almost always there. Heyk, disgusting bundles of perversion walking on the street late at night, when the good people are all safe at home, asleep.
Disturbing, non?

~Pazuzu and Her Serpentine Penis

Obviously nowadays, anyone can launch a TV station and just blab about things they absolutely know nothing about! I was cruising through the channels, Saturday afternoon, i stumbled upon photos of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres’ wedding…On El Jaras TV. I realized right away that the voice over really doesn’t fit nor describe what my eyes were seeing. The Presenter of this whatever show was saying: “Hayda 3eres Ellen w “Borita“…wlek shoufo kif 3am yetsarafo metel el couple el tabi3eh! 3am yere2so ma3 ba3ed!!!!” She was so in shock and hysterical and needed an urgent dose of XANAX! God Help her!
The first thing that was on my mind: “Seriously you dummy! You wanna trash them? Fine! But at least get the names right!”. And what added up, she was talking at the same time about the Indian man that married a certain animal! Is this where we belong? In the same category of man/animal marriage!? She kept displaying the photos over and over again, adding up “Hayda dod el din!“. The heavenly angels assigned her to label people and decide what’s wrong and what’s against religion! I wanted to call and ask her: “Honey, if the sight of Ellen and “Borita” sickens you this much…why do u keep displaying them?” But then again, every word she was saying was showing nothing but IGNORANCE.

Jexy

They judge you
They don’t even know you
You have known me for a year
Or maybe for two
You have known me for three years
Or maybe moreYou don’t know my favorite color
Do you even know the color of my eyes?
You don’t know my fears
Do you even know what makes me laugh?
You don’t know my past
‘Cause you never bothered to ask
Do you even know what happened to me when I was a child?
You don’t know what this all means to me
Do you even know what I need?
Most probably you don’t even know my name
You never gave me credit for making an effort
To change what you hate about me
‘Cause you never knew who I was
When I come asking for advise
You push me away
And this is not what a friend would do
And this is not what a family would do
And this is not what a lover would do
A friend won’t showoff
A family should support
A lover should give
And that’s what you don’t do
This is not a cry for sympathy
Nor a cry for help
This is not a cry for attention
Nor a cry for care and love
It’s a cry of “wake up and smell the coffee”
When you care you ask
When you are asked you help
When I have been always there for you
You should always be there for me too!

L.A