So now that most have left us to go and sleep in their own beds for the night, there is only 4 ladies left in the house, EG is already asleep and snoring in her office, you see, I don’t know if you know it, but we never sleep in the house, so there is no bed or any corner where you can comfortably sleep. We improvise :). But then again, it’s only 4 people for a big house, so can’t really complain.

The first day was light, we chilled and brainstormed about feminism and feministing our little group of non-conforming sexual (and some not so sexual) beings. The thing is that we never really thought about this 2 years ago when we first started meeting, we were a bunch of Lesbians that wanted to have a home, somewhere we can be ourselves, the beings that we are. Then some of us came out as “not so Lesbians” but maybe bisexuals, and others came out and then some came out as not so Lesbians, but really bisexuals, some of us were queers. And then some came out as trans people, on different points of the journey.

So we had to ask ourselves all the questions that really scratch the surface of what others label as sexuality, but it’s not really about that. We smoothly realized that our problem is not just that we are Lesbians (that was enough to provoque unprovoqued hatred for most) but come to think of it, our problem is mainly sexism. Attack sexism, eradicate it and a lot of walls would have to break down.

It took us some time to realize that simple fact. But some of us knew it all along. I remember Nadz telling me a long time ago (actually she was telling someone else and I just happened to be there in the group) that the whole problem is sexism, look all around you and you find sexism (and therefore, patriarchy). Well for me it was different, but hey it’s time to sleep…

Ok so waking up wasn’t easy and we had a late breakfast and instead of starting at 9:30 we’re starting at 10… Well this time it was out of our hands, when the three awesome cooking people arrived there were no electricity, blame the Lebanese system. So we start

Session moderated by Eagle

And we start with the Rules:
Dont chat on msn
Don’t yell at Lee
Don’t interrupt Pazuzu
Smoking has limited breaks
If you’re feeling squiggly please don’t leave, respect the session and the one making it

Agenda:

1st of all what we do in the retreat is three things: we say what we have done, then we evaluate our work and then (most importantly) we decide the strategy of next year. And the decisions are final, a lot of proposals will be proposed and we are going to make decisions about everything

Vision, Mission and CorValues: (I will not repeat all what Eagle says because well… that’s in the notes taken)

Last retreat some of there was a discussion about the use of the term “Lesbian” and it was decided that we will opt more for the term “Queer women and trans individuals”

Get more community awareness on this issue

Vision: we work to provide a better quality life for Lesbian, Bisexual, Queer women and transsexuals and transgender individuals through mutual support.

Core Values: we need to emphasize them more and add more values as we go along.

Philosophy:

Our four main goals: (and eagle thinks we didn’t do that well on them :P)
Build the activist capacity of the members
raise awareness inside the community about all sorts of oppression
Research and documentation
Creating a strong social justice movement (alliances with other NGOs, Gay Straight alliance…)

Now Keep these four goals and keep them in your mind. So let’s talk about committees:

Lee: I don’t see anyone responsible about each thing

Pazuzu: I don’t like have the idea of having someone in charge

Elf: Do we have contact people in joining the committee? And who?

Blue: let’s get papers and write the committees and their role, and everyone who comes would choose one and we would gather that info

Eagle: well you as a new member did you feel that you want to join any committee

Blue: Yes but it was not clear, and if it is not clear for you guys, then we should start from the start

X: that is why we need to start by defining the committees

Pazuzu: how about having contact people

Eagle: why don’t we just hang out the names of the people who join

X: the first step would be collecting the names of people and everything and then the second step would be hanging out the names of people

Lee: to gather ppl in committee, before everything, do you remember before the house we used to talk alot about committees…

Eagle: I’ll tell you the thing I have is that with this group of people is that we have one group that is working now and feeling that no one is cooperating, and the other grop s feeling that they are not asked to do anything. That’s the thing we were talking about since last retreat.What’s the problem?

Martin: when we first started we had a lot of energy and excitement, we were repressed and pressure and then this energy suddenly ended, when we came back to reality. Some ppl misunderstood the concept, inno we are going to change things but it’s going to take time.

Wrap up:

The problem is not the structure it’s the implementation and there should be initiatives from all sides.

Then the Eagle will talk about by-laws. And what was decided that we should reemphasize Meem’s responsibility (what is our responsibility and what is not). And we should make it clear for the new members what the by-laws are and stuff like that.

And now we start the second session, after dinner… With one Addition: IG

EG: Suppose we have everything how do we raise awareness?

Elf: Sob7iyyet

Pazuzu: Yeah I agree

Elf: I would like to go back to the target audience, who is our target audience

long conversation about the target audience

EG: ok let’s say it’s sobiyyeh, that;s one technique, what else

Elf: viral campaign, just do something fun and people will pick it up, we are young, we are women, we can attract women, and men, but we need to come up with a campaign… I dont know, universities clubs

IG: I tried doing that, I wrote a manifesto and the dean’s first reaction was: do you thnk there is equality and he was very negative

Elf: Did you try to get it through another club?

Tiny: do you have a Human rights club?

Elf: and restaurants, clubs

Pazuzu: yeah that;s the idea, inno other than the sob7iyyet we will only reach out to middle or upper class society

EG: tab what else? what else would we do for the 1st year? I dont think that in the first year we should be very confrontational. We shouldn’t go out in the first year and say abortion abortion abortion, or lesbian lesbian lesbian.

Pazuzu: inno if we go out andsay abortion, a lot of people would

The branding should not be collective oriented, it should be project oriented, so that we would not rubit in their face that we are the same people demanding it all. Inno so that the work of some (controversy) would reflect on others (more neutral stuff).

8:45 We were interrupted by the arrival of GH (golden Hawk), Sucette who have made our meeting much more fun but with the absence of Elf, who went for a small visit to the neighbors…

9:10 we start again.

EG: what other cool stuff can we put together

Sucette: song

EG was amased with the idea

Pazuzu: We can go to schools, that is the simplest

EG: take back the night… we go at 3:00 like 100 women in a street where we know are unsafe for women in the night

GH: let’s make brochures with the most basic rights of women and distribute them

Pazuzu: I think we should define and raise awareness about what is rape or harassment.

EG: what about apathy

IG: love your body campaign, it’s about loving your body as it comes in all its forms

pazuzu: maybe we can makesure it passes exactly after the Pepsi ad

GH: that’s too expensive, but you can target morning shows

EG: Tiny… do you want to do the ad buster thing?

Tiny: like in a magazine?

EG: definitely, we should have a feminist magazine, but the ad buster, anti-consumarism thing

GH: can we make it something a bit raw?

Pazuzu: but if it’s a collective thingy, and we do that, it will not attract the “plastic” society

GH: but we dont want to have a “plastic” magazine style “ashabaka”

Pazuzu: but if we want them to listen to us then we would want to use something that they would be interested in, iza ana shift something like a manshour, I would think of a7zeb

GH: no no not like that, just a simple do-it-yourself stuff.

It is true, I am Shezze, I am queer. What is even truer is that I am deeply proud of my shouzouz. You see, shouzouzé means that I don’t belong to where I was born and that is something to be proud of, non? Let me explain to you.
According to the norms of where I was born, I am a woman. I have the breasts, the vagina and the soft skin, ya3ne I am a woman, walaw? Therefore I cannot walk alone on the street =I am an “unperfect woman” = men would have the right to harass me on the street.
Tough I resent this mentality I realize that this is the reality of where I was born, just as the pacifists during the civil war realized that war was the reality of where they were born and they were forced to hide away. Now of course this doesn’t mean that there were no way I could be independent, to protect myself all I need is a car… hm, but I don’t have one. So I avoid stay out of my house after 9:00pm.
So on Friday, I was going home at the limit of the permitted where I was born, at 9:30pm. Une fois 3al Dawra, I realize that I didn’t have my wallet with me. Oops! It must have fallen in my friends’ car, so I call her (yes another condition to survive where I was born is to have a cell phone to salvage you in difficult situations such as the one I was in). 3 minutes later I find out that I still have some money on me and can go home without having her coming to pick me up. It was 9:45pm, OooO… I smell danger.
But it’s going to be fine I think to myself. I just make sure I call my friend telling her not to come pick me up and head straight to where the buses… or were supposed to be. I had exceeded my time limit, the buses were gone and I was in serious trouble. But it’s fine, I can survive this.
The fact that I was walking alone, a bit uncertain going back and forth, unsure what to do for a couple of minutes, meant that most of men/predators had detected my smell and were observing me. I knew I was going to get harassed, I knew that a girl in my situation is for them a victim that they are legally allowed to torture. But it’s fine! Again, I have been in these situations before and I survived them and lived to talk about it.
Well, I passed by a couple of guys, one those men that scare you (or is it any man that scares you when you are in my situation?). Anyway, typically the first sign of your vulnerability in these situations is that the predators start discussing you in your face:

- Bint yamma sabe hayda?

And for our non Arabic readers :

- Is he a boy or a girl?

But it’s fine I guess, it wasn’t the first time that my sexual identity was questioned, though I didn’t look particularly boyish that day. The real treat was when the second guy opens his mouth. I guess he was encouraged by his friend’s attitude, thinking maybe I am a boy that likes to look like girls, to be honest, I am not sure what he was thinking but he said to me:

-Baddak nitsalla? Ta3a nitsalla

Again, respecting the non Arabic readers:

-Wanna have fun? Let’s have fun together

I wish to solicit your attention, dear non Arabic reader, the Arabic makes the difference between the male and the female you are talking to, so I know for sure that the dude assumed I was a he. Now I may not look like a woman but I certainly do not look like a man! So in fact I look like an androgynous thing. My superior intelligence forewarns me that this particular predator, like any other predator of his kind, is not particularly brilliant.
You don’t get where I’m getting at? Ok I’ll be clear: The predator assumed I was a teenage boy. A real boy, like old enough to be 156cm but not old enough to have a beard. But, dear reader, if you from where I was born, what would be more revolting for you? The fact that the predator finds a male appealing or that he finds a kid appealing? For me it is clear, it is his pedophilia that bothers me. His taste for underage individuals repulses me. But I find it sad that in my society expressions of both Homosexuality and pedophilia are almost always there. Heyk, disgusting bundles of perversion walking on the street late at night, when the good people are all safe at home, asleep.
Disturbing, non?

~Pazuzu and Her Serpentine Penis

And when she cries, it rains

And when she look at the stars, they fall

They wish, the stars wish she will wish one day a wish and they commit suicide for her

She can just wish and from the skies they fall

And when she cries, it rains

And she doesn’t cry because of the rain, the skies rain because she cries

And the earth doesn’t really rotate, the earth only rotates around her

And the circles weren’t circles before, they softened and turned round to fit the pupil of her eye

And it wasn’t really cold because of snow, it was cold because she likes to wear her leather jacket

And the nights are not really dark, it’s only because she loves black

And the stars every night commit suicide for her

And the moon is round only because she likes pizza

And the moon is white because she likes snow, but it isn’t cold because of snow

It’s cold, it’s cold, cold, cold beneath her skin

And the wine isn’t really red, neither grapes are, the wine is only red so that when she holds the wine glass the color inside will fit her nail polish

And then she lights a cigarette and blow, blow,blow, blow smoke

And the blue, yes the blue, blue like the ocean blue, blue like the skies, and the skies feel blue, when the stars commit suicide for her and the skies are only blue because of her

And the ocean have fish simply because she likes fish and the ocean is blue because she likes it when the oceans are blue

Ad she lights her cigarette and blows, blows, blows, and she blows in the blue, forms clouds and then it rains and she’s not sad because of the rain

It always rains because she’s sad and it rains and it rains

And the stars throw themselves on her feet and the stars are circled to fit in her eyes, and then you can see the stars in the skies.yes.the ones that commit suicide for her… she keep them in her eyes

And in her eyes you see the galaxies and the skies

And she blows blows blows her cigarette

So what if everyone else dies… and the world is not the world… and the world “is” only because of her.

everynight i see a star fall for
a woman. who can blame them

im l meem

Cruising with my friend on a Friday night, I see that the traffic light was RED which as you all know means that we should wait till it goes green to drive, and so I waited. Suddenly, a taxi car btiksor 3layye wa 2iz bi2illei in a 3ayeet tone : ” SHU 2ANUNIYYE!!! ” it made me giggle in sarcasm
inno ma32ool hek sirna?!?! yallei byimshei 3ala l 2anoon bikun ma byiswa !!
please 7ada y2illei emtan Lebanon ra7 ysir balad mo7taram !
3anjad hopeless case!!!

~Teddy~

Ce que j’aimerais te murmurer que chaque fois que je pense a toi, mon cœur s’arrête de battre tout carément! Ce que j’aimerais te dire que chaque fois que je pense a toi, j’ai le souffle tout court! Ce que j’aimerais te confier que le seul fait de regarder dans tes yeux, m’emporte loin… très loin…

Cependant je te neglige, je t’esquive. Je pretends que je n’te kiffe même pas. Que tout simplement je suis très froide envers toi. Et que d’autres, y’en a assez pour me plaire.

Et ce dont tu ne te rends même pas compte sont les sentiments de rage qui m’envahissent chaque fois je vous voies ensemble! Ce que j’essaie fort de cacher c’est la jalousie qui m’irrite chaque fois que tu lui prends la main! Ce que je ne veux pas que tu sache c’est que mon âme est débordée. Ce que je pretends avec persistance c’est qu’il n’y a rien dans mon cœur…

Mais c’est simplement hors de question que je fasse quoi que ce soit… j’agonise, je souffre, je me tords… tout en silence, tout en douceur… sans aucune mercie de ta part…

~Kim 64~

Eight at night; a very big-10-kg bag and a friend.

I just wanted to get home, tired and in a hurry to be in my own home.

So my friend and I were walking in the streets of Beirut to catch a service, this service driver see us and stops so we got into the car with him. Since I was carrying my big-10-kg bag, and out of politeness, I sat next to the driver so I wont take much space in case he finds another customer. Shortly after, the driver asks us:

- Where are u going after dawra?

- Jounieh

So he offered to take us there if we pay an additional service, we agreed thinking it was out of good will. I always get confused feeling towards service drivers when they are polite, or good, it’s either they want something from you, which is very disgusting, or it’s a Miracle.

He drove and then a guy wanted to go to Sabtiye so the driver agreed knowing that it is not really on his way to Jounieh or Dawra but we didn’t say anything, we thought he just want to make a living. And then the guy started to try opening a conversation with me, I replied at first a very short and serious answer. Then, he started joking around trying to look funny, that’s when he got a frown, and another and another, and he ended up asking me where are we going, camping, since I am carrying a big bag. Again I didn’t answer, but did he even get the sign? No. I think that most of the time, such people’s ego doesn’t allow them to get that fuck-off-and-just-drope-home sign. He kept trying to talk to me but my friend and I were both ignoring him, as well as the old man who was in the backseat, and then when we got to Sabtiye, my friend asked me to come sit next to her and it was what I was thinking of. When I stepped out of the front seat, the old man looked at me and said “ l na2le fiya faraj” which means that even the old guy understood how uncomfortable I was by the constant attempts the driver to hit on


me.

Meanwhile and in all the naivety in the world, I felt a bit of guilt thinking that maybe the guy was just bored and wanted to start a conversation, or maybe he was just trying to be friendly, but that wasn’t really the case and as soon as we got to Dawra the guy stopped the car and he was like:

- I’d like to apologize from you girls I can’t drive you to Jounieh anymore.

Can It Get More Obvious?! Can u believe the asshole?

It’s the first something like this happens to me. Usually men give it a try but still know their limits and drive you

to where promised. But not this asshole.We paid him and got out of the car with all the shock in the world.

My friend said that it’s not the firs

t time it happens, and it have happened to her before. And we thought that I could have just pretended the Lebanese way nothing was happening and stayed in the front seat. But not with this feminist not in this world!

Later on that night, I had to take another service because my house is far from where the bus drops me,

and for my surprise



the only car available was driven by a woman. You cannot imagine how extremely safe I felt, and comfortable. And you cannot imagine, in ten minutes, how many cars pressed there horns and tried to pass just because it’s a service driven by woman. I think after all the bullshit with the hairy taxi driver this woman made my night.