Since we missed the collaborative writing session in the House the other day I felt like I should be compensating about that. So let’s talk about Movements, since the next issue of Bekhsoos will be: Bekhsoos l Movement. Hm, I guess I should not speak of what a movement is or what it is not, I’m sure others will talk to you about it, and they know what they are talking about, unlike me.

What I will talk about is movement in my own experience and according to what I have seen in Lebanon. So what I am about to say is blatantly personal and perhaps a bit subjective.

So let’s see, what makes a wo/man want to be part of a movement? Most of us never get into a movement, the movement is just the exteriorization of what we have inside us. You do not register to become part. But you would realize (often very early on) that there are things that are either horrible or that just can be better. Then you start asking yourself why is this idea never discussed or dealt with. Until the day you find people like you that think like you or that are repulsed by the same things that bother you. That is not really a problem; you can find something in common with virtually everyone. No really you can. A movement is so vast and general that anyone can be part of it.

But then the hard part is to how to make a movement efficient, who to ally yourself with, and what other movements to include in the first, without jeopardizing it. We are all bundles of traumas walking on the streets and trying to make some sense out of this life and to take some pleasure out of this existence. There are so many details that the actual essence is lost. What makes Pazuzu Pazuzu and what are the details that just came to modulate and influence Pazuzu. Take out of my system every insult, every harassment, every trauma, every influencial idea I have received, take out every moment of guilt, of despair and humiliation, every tear and every outbreak of anger. Then take away every Mass I attended, every Christmas dinner, every laughter with friends and every shoulder I cried on… And when you are done removing all those moment of “influence” try looking for my essence, what will be left of Pazuzu once all of these details are removed? Nothing I fear.

It’s easy to say “I… I think… I believe… I know…” But who would understand it when I say that? Only the people who know what I know, believe in what I believe in, who think like I think, inno bi2ikhtisar, who are like me.

You know what is funny? We like to believe that we defend our cause because it is right, but in fact, we defend it because we want to improve things for ourselves. Whether the cause is righteous or not, is both subjective and impossible to measure. The idea to defend a cause that does not affect you directly is very romantic, attractive and everything. The Straight-Gay Alliance(s) strive on this concept. But it doesn’t work, let’s face it. In societies made of at least 80% of straight people, the Straight and Gay alliances have but a few straight individuals. Of course, the mere presence of these few make a huge difference. But why? Because, in my subjective meaningless opinion, it is because straight people would not relate to gay people. Three years ago, I was one of two straight supporters of Helem that I knew of. Now the other straight supporter of Helem, turned out to be gay or bisexual or queer, I never had the chance to talk to him. And me? Well I am clearly an everlasting queer; until time proves me wrong.

Ok, now bear with me and re-read what I have already written… As I read it I feel that it’s totally false though it is true. You see, if I was not a queer activist I would have been a “something else” activist. This is what I always knew, deep inside, but I thought I’d be working with people dealing with AIDS or suicide survivors. I remember that 2 years ago, a close friend of mine actually told me that I will move out of my place, move somewhere closer to Beirut and work in activism. His prognostics are slowly coming true. Is this common to others? Yes to some not all.

It’s like each person is an activist differently. Non? I wonder what makes you want to be an activist or not?